Morgan Bellim not an addict . . .
April 15th 2008 15:10
some time ago i read of something called pseudoaddiction where people who are under-treated for pain exhibit the drug-seeking behaviour of addicts . . . i feel like this is happening to me as whenever i try to fill my prescriptions and buy over-the-counter medications i am met with suspiscion . . . i feel it is this constant suspiscion which is eroding my quality of life more than the chronic pain itself . . .
im not an addict!
at the pharmacy i get scripts for codeine and oxycodone, when i ask for an over-the-counter childrens medication Night-time Pain Stop i am suddenly under interrogation . . . the pharmacy assistant raises her eyebrows and asks alot of questions and disappears for a really long time, returning with the pharmacist who asks more questions and looks at me like i have needle hanging out of my arm . . .
i use Pain Stop to sleep occassionally as it is a mild liquid formula that i find easy to take and effective . . . i think the presumption is that im smacked out of my mind and stocking up on products for my meth lab to convert it all into some new wonder substance with a high street value that i can shoot up or snort or smoke in my crak pipe . . .
i actually suffer from chronic pain due to a car accident in 2004, so ive been doing the whole "dodge the pharmacist" routine for over 3 years now . . . i have two ruptured lumbar disks which bulge into the nerves in my spine, i have pain across my lower back which radiates down my legs and referred pain in my hips . . . some days i only need some aspirin but more often than not i need opiates to be able to sit down . . . at its worst i am so stiff i cant lie comfortably in bed, i have difficulty putting pants on or pushing the clutch in on my car . . . my pain ranges from being managable to debilitating, but it has been constant for years . . .
so when a pharmacist questions me i can get quite offended . . .
dont get me wrong, when im rational and objective i know very well that all the questioning is a safe-guard for our benefit, the pharmacist is just performing his duty of care (see related post "im on the drug that killed Heath Ledger") but when im in pain and i see that look of suspiscion on their face i just want to scream GIVE ME A FUCKN BREAK!
"why do you need Pain Stop when you have these prescription medications"
"because it helps me sleep, i think taking oxycodone to sleep is excessive"
"but its got codeine in it too, you are just paying more for a smaller dose"
"yes i know, thats fine, its just an alternative when i only need something mild"
"well its not very good value for money"
i get annoyed, probably looking even more like a drug addict, when im in pain i dont care what anything costs, i will pay anything, say anything, do anything . . . if i works i want it . . . i feel increasingly like a junkie . . .
"i dont care what it costs"
but im not a junkie, i take the bare minimum i can to be comfortable, sometimes i go days or a week without needing opiates to ease my pain, i havent developed a tolerance, i dont suffer withdrawals, IM NOT AN ADDICT!
"its not very good to be on painkillers all the time" (explains the adverse effects of taking too much codeine or too much paracetamol . . . i know, i know, ive heard it a million times) "have you considered having surgery?"
"yes i saw a top neurosurgeon in sydney at north shore private hospital and they didnt recommend surgery as i have no feeling loss or numbness in my legs - just pain"
i start to realise why in the past ive fabricated stories about having a daughter with a broken leg, or a brother whos had his wisdom teeth out . . . sometimes i will stagger my scripts hanging out desperately waiting longer than i should so i dont buy a months worthin one go . . . sometimes i purchase one product from one pharmacy and cross the road to the other pharmacy to buy my other product . . . anything to avaoid the interrogation and the concerned looks . . .
i once attended a specialist pain clinic as part of my rehabilitation and the counsellor educated me about chronic pain, chronic meaning long-term, but when applied to pain it also refers to the human body adapting its nervous system as a form of self-protection . . . when you are injured over a long period of time your body generates extra nerve endings to sense pain and avoid it, you in effect become hyper-sensitive to pain, the ability to feel pain goes up expotentially the longer you are in pain . . . it is the great biological practical joke . . .
i wish every pharmacist was educated about chronic pain rather than just trained to scout for the traits common street junkies . . .
unfortunately sometimes i exhibit the same traits . . .
when youre in chronic pain you have no privacy or dignity for fear that if you dont submit to a full disclosure of your history and problems you will be mis-labelled as a junkie and refused pain-killers as treatment altogether . . . a prospect more frightening than any question . . .
pharmacists are suspiscious if theyve never seen you before and suspiscious if they see you all the time . . . even with prescriptions from a doctor they still run you through the gauntlet to test if you are lying . . . i wish i had a bracelet or tattoo to identify me as someone with genuine chronic pain . . . it took me ages to accept that i will be in pain for the rest of my life, what im really having trouble adjusting to is this total lack of trust!
im not an addict!
at the pharmacy i get scripts for codeine and oxycodone, when i ask for an over-the-counter childrens medication Night-time Pain Stop i am suddenly under interrogation . . . the pharmacy assistant raises her eyebrows and asks alot of questions and disappears for a really long time, returning with the pharmacist who asks more questions and looks at me like i have needle hanging out of my arm . . .
i use Pain Stop to sleep occassionally as it is a mild liquid formula that i find easy to take and effective . . . i think the presumption is that im smacked out of my mind and stocking up on products for my meth lab to convert it all into some new wonder substance with a high street value that i can shoot up or snort or smoke in my crak pipe . . .
i actually suffer from chronic pain due to a car accident in 2004, so ive been doing the whole "dodge the pharmacist" routine for over 3 years now . . . i have two ruptured lumbar disks which bulge into the nerves in my spine, i have pain across my lower back which radiates down my legs and referred pain in my hips . . . some days i only need some aspirin but more often than not i need opiates to be able to sit down . . . at its worst i am so stiff i cant lie comfortably in bed, i have difficulty putting pants on or pushing the clutch in on my car . . . my pain ranges from being managable to debilitating, but it has been constant for years . . .
so when a pharmacist questions me i can get quite offended . . .
dont get me wrong, when im rational and objective i know very well that all the questioning is a safe-guard for our benefit, the pharmacist is just performing his duty of care (see related post "im on the drug that killed Heath Ledger") but when im in pain and i see that look of suspiscion on their face i just want to scream GIVE ME A FUCKN BREAK!
"why do you need Pain Stop when you have these prescription medications"
"because it helps me sleep, i think taking oxycodone to sleep is excessive"
"but its got codeine in it too, you are just paying more for a smaller dose"
"yes i know, thats fine, its just an alternative when i only need something mild"
"well its not very good value for money"
i get annoyed, probably looking even more like a drug addict, when im in pain i dont care what anything costs, i will pay anything, say anything, do anything . . . if i works i want it . . . i feel increasingly like a junkie . . .
"i dont care what it costs"
but im not a junkie, i take the bare minimum i can to be comfortable, sometimes i go days or a week without needing opiates to ease my pain, i havent developed a tolerance, i dont suffer withdrawals, IM NOT AN ADDICT!
"its not very good to be on painkillers all the time" (explains the adverse effects of taking too much codeine or too much paracetamol . . . i know, i know, ive heard it a million times) "have you considered having surgery?"
"yes i saw a top neurosurgeon in sydney at north shore private hospital and they didnt recommend surgery as i have no feeling loss or numbness in my legs - just pain"
i start to realise why in the past ive fabricated stories about having a daughter with a broken leg, or a brother whos had his wisdom teeth out . . . sometimes i will stagger my scripts hanging out desperately waiting longer than i should so i dont buy a months worthin one go . . . sometimes i purchase one product from one pharmacy and cross the road to the other pharmacy to buy my other product . . . anything to avaoid the interrogation and the concerned looks . . .
i once attended a specialist pain clinic as part of my rehabilitation and the counsellor educated me about chronic pain, chronic meaning long-term, but when applied to pain it also refers to the human body adapting its nervous system as a form of self-protection . . . when you are injured over a long period of time your body generates extra nerve endings to sense pain and avoid it, you in effect become hyper-sensitive to pain, the ability to feel pain goes up expotentially the longer you are in pain . . . it is the great biological practical joke . . .
i wish every pharmacist was educated about chronic pain rather than just trained to scout for the traits common street junkies . . .
unfortunately sometimes i exhibit the same traits . . .
when youre in chronic pain you have no privacy or dignity for fear that if you dont submit to a full disclosure of your history and problems you will be mis-labelled as a junkie and refused pain-killers as treatment altogether . . . a prospect more frightening than any question . . .
pharmacists are suspiscious if theyve never seen you before and suspiscious if they see you all the time . . . even with prescriptions from a doctor they still run you through the gauntlet to test if you are lying . . . i wish i had a bracelet or tattoo to identify me as someone with genuine chronic pain . . . it took me ages to accept that i will be in pain for the rest of my life, what im really having trouble adjusting to is this total lack of trust!
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Comment by RubySoho
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That's a sad story Morgan, I really hate hearing about young people with these sorts of problems. I have a friend who recently suffered a massive stroke from which it will take her years to recover and another friend who was diagnosed with MS. They are both under 30.
It's like nature just stole their youth away.
Surely once the pharmacist gets to know you and your medical history, they won't be so suspicious?
Comment by Morgan Bell
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ive been to alot of different pharmacies, theres usually several in the town you live, there might be one right near the doctor and another one where you do your shopping, or the one in the next town or suburb might open late hours . . . in the last 3 years ive probably moved 6 times and i always need to go to different pharmacies when i travel inter-state or to see family or friends
ive had regular chemists before but sometimes its convenient to go elsewhere . . . you just have to brace yourself for the whole degrading routine
i like how you said "stole their youth away" . . . thats exactly how it feels
thanks for the comment ruby
Comment by Cheryl J
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But the times I have had to use my suburban pharmacy have been awful and I won't go back there now at all. I got accused once of drug seeking because I had my script filled one week before I finished my last pack - more for the convenience of not running out.Then the next time was because my script was a pack of 20 and 25 days had passed so if I had done without the medication for 5 days I musn't really need it. All this while explaining that I do try to alternate with something less potent if I can when my pain levels are bearable so that I DON'T become addicted. Because my usual pharmacy was closed I went through a 20 minute inquisition when I had a signed and (as required by law) printed and hand written prescription from my doctor. I know we shouldn't blame the pharmacists it must be really hard for them but it's such a humiliating routine at times.
I know it's just not possible but try to keep a regular pharmacist, it makes a world of difference. Mine has been a Godsend.
Comment by RubySoho
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Bikram actually created the series to help him recover from his own car accident and people swear blind that it works in healing the body where medicine and surgery can't . I've never needed to use it that way but I can tell you, you do feel great afterwards. It gets a bad rap from the rest of the yoga community because Bikram is a bit of an arse but the yoga itself is great.
Anyway, just a thought.
Comment by Johnny Come Lately
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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i knew you would be able to relate!
i wish i had my own personal pharmacist on staff, and a masseuse, and physio, oha nd a chef and a maid haha
hi ruby,
i actually havent heard of bikram yoga before, i will have to google it, its a shame i couldnt afford to continue living in a major metro area where better treatments were available . . . im also still in the process of legal proceedings to try and get my medical covered by the insurance company . . . thanks for the suggestion though
hi johnny come lately,
thanks for the sympathy and well-wishes! ive turned to writing more and more as i can lie propped up on pillows and type in my laptop reclined if i cant sit
Comment by RubySoho
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Yeah, that's what they all say:
Really Long Link
Comment by Morgan Bell
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thanks for finding that clip, i havent heard K's Choice (Sarah Bettens) for ages . . . that was a really cool acoustic version!
i guess its just me and sarah and poor old amy winehouse haha
Comment by RubySoho
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you, sarah, amy and ben cousins.
Comment by Morgan Bell
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