Morgan BellProblems Asexuals Face
September 15th 2008 16:56
The problems that Asexuals face mostly arise from other people not understanding or not accepting what Asexuality is. In our sex-crazed society we place a high premium on sexuality and sexual conquests, so where does a person with no sexual desires or motivations fit in?
Internal Identity Problems
Faking it
Buiding enough confidence to not have to fake sexual attraction to fit in is an important step for an Asexual person. It is tempting to exaggerate tales of sexual behaviour or to completely fabricate an interest in members of the opposite sex (or same sex) to avoid having to explain yourself. Some Asexuals will fool around with people they are not interested in just to maintain the facade of being "normal". It may seem like it makes life easier to mimic your high-sex-drivel friends, studying their reactions and repeating things they would say, but eventually you have to stop being a copy of a person and start being an original. A careful balance of knowing when to "fake it" at some points in your life may feel like a tug of war between becoming a complete outsider or developing into a complete sociopath!
Gender
The rigid gender sterotypes we are surrounded by can make it difficult for Asexual people to know how to act and how to identify. Media, entertainment and the suburban backyard BBQ have taught us that women belong in one corner and men in the other - but which corner should an Asexual go to? So much of ones masculinity hinges on the ability to pusue a female successfully, while women are valued on their ability to attract a male and produce some offspring. A women only seems "feminine" when contrasted with a man, and vice versa, so without a partner to be compared to how can you gauge your gender identity? It is a similar confusion that some homosexual people can experience - if you are not in a traditional male-female pairing then you dont have your role automatically cut out for you . . . you have to forge it yourself!
Some Religious Folk Claim Asexuals Do Not Exist
David Nantais, S.J - Catholic minister from the University of Detroit Mercy
thats not very nice David . . .
Common False Assumptions People Make About Asexuals
Examples:
"oh youre just a late bloomer"
"you just havent found the right man/woman"
"you must be a closeted gay/lesbian"
"were you abused as a child?"
"you must have a bad body image/ low self esteem"
"is it because you dont want people to see you naked?"
"you must come from a strict religious family"
"did an ex-partner beat/rape/humiliate you?"
"you must have a hormone imbalance"
"you must hate people that have sex"
"oh you wouldnt know anything about relationships or feelings"
"youre probably just depressed"
"are your genitals deformed/malfunctioning?"
"its probably your diet/medications/alcohol intake"
None of these things are relevant to your sexual orientation, they might affect how quickly you come to accept your natural born orientation but they can not change it. Asexual people do not fear, hate, or resent sex, they simply dont think about it. They are physically able to have sex if they wanted to, they just find that they never particularly want to.
The Journal of Sex Research and New Scientist magazine have reported that around 1% of people are born Asexual. Now that we know each other exist we dont have to pretend anymore.
Internal Identity Problems
Faking it
Buiding enough confidence to not have to fake sexual attraction to fit in is an important step for an Asexual person. It is tempting to exaggerate tales of sexual behaviour or to completely fabricate an interest in members of the opposite sex (or same sex) to avoid having to explain yourself. Some Asexuals will fool around with people they are not interested in just to maintain the facade of being "normal". It may seem like it makes life easier to mimic your high-sex-drivel friends, studying their reactions and repeating things they would say, but eventually you have to stop being a copy of a person and start being an original. A careful balance of knowing when to "fake it" at some points in your life may feel like a tug of war between becoming a complete outsider or developing into a complete sociopath!
Gender
The rigid gender sterotypes we are surrounded by can make it difficult for Asexual people to know how to act and how to identify. Media, entertainment and the suburban backyard BBQ have taught us that women belong in one corner and men in the other - but which corner should an Asexual go to? So much of ones masculinity hinges on the ability to pusue a female successfully, while women are valued on their ability to attract a male and produce some offspring. A women only seems "feminine" when contrasted with a man, and vice versa, so without a partner to be compared to how can you gauge your gender identity? It is a similar confusion that some homosexual people can experience - if you are not in a traditional male-female pairing then you dont have your role automatically cut out for you . . . you have to forge it yourself!
Some Religious Folk Claim Asexuals Do Not Exist
"What do you call a person who is asexual? Answer: Not a person. Asexual people do not exist. Sexuality is a gift from God and thus a fundamental part of our human identity."
David Nantais, S.J - Catholic minister from the University of Detroit Mercy
thats not very nice David . . .
Common False Assumptions People Make About Asexuals
Examples:
"oh youre just a late bloomer"
"you just havent found the right man/woman"
"you must be a closeted gay/lesbian"
"were you abused as a child?"
"you must have a bad body image/ low self esteem"
"is it because you dont want people to see you naked?"
"you must come from a strict religious family"
"did an ex-partner beat/rape/humiliate you?"
"you must have a hormone imbalance"
"you must hate people that have sex"
"oh you wouldnt know anything about relationships or feelings"
"youre probably just depressed"
"are your genitals deformed/malfunctioning?"
"its probably your diet/medications/alcohol intake"
None of these things are relevant to your sexual orientation, they might affect how quickly you come to accept your natural born orientation but they can not change it. Asexual people do not fear, hate, or resent sex, they simply dont think about it. They are physically able to have sex if they wanted to, they just find that they never particularly want to.
The Journal of Sex Research and New Scientist magazine have reported that around 1% of people are born Asexual. Now that we know each other exist we dont have to pretend anymore.
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Comment by alt_ed
Alted Opinion
ArtCombat
The Inner Saintdom
I guess, a point that you've left out of this blog, is that a-sexual people are not hermits, and do not seek to live disconnected from the world; but are often highly sociable individuals.
Comment by D. Armenta
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
L.A.M.P.
Comment by RubySoho
Music Zone
Thought Zone
So if you are not a person Morgan...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? YOU FREAK!
Like seriously, how on earth does the human race get to pat itself on the back for its progress when people still say stuff like this?
How is the world that gives us Salman Rushdie and Bill Hicks and Stephen Hawking the same world that gives us these nutters?
Ah, my head hurts.
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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Artist Quirk
excellent point!
we walk amongst you . . .
hi D,
yes i have seen the AVEN site and a few other forums and blogs about the topic - the internet is a great place for people to find out more information about the minority groups they fit into
hi Ruby,
you know when you just roll your eyes and think: why whenever there is someone whos a bit different is there at least one messenger of god shouting from the rooftops that they are inhuman?
like really is David Nantanis aware of what a cliche he is making of himself?
i feel sorry for the good-hearted Catholics who have to put up with idiots representing them!
hi Cibbuano,
hey thats lovely news!
there is a domestic element to marriage that can be appealing to many, not to mention the financial benefits of being in a couple . . . and you cant go past the emotional benefits of companionship!
thanks for the comments everyone!
Comment by Mac
The Home Guru
I have a friend who identifies as asexual, and before meeting her I had not thought about it. Like many gay people she had to "come out" as asexual to her parents and friends, and experienced stigma associated with being non-heteronormative.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Current Business News
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Artist Quirk
thanks for the positive feedback!
i think theres always a stigma with being a long term single person, or having close platonic relationships . . . its the stuff great rumours are made out of!
you should consider yourself lucky to have an Asexual friend, we are rare like diamonds!
Comment by Lady Henrietta Muddling
Potter in a Harry
It's not like I'm celibate by choice.
Comment by Morgan Bell
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ahhh situational celibacy . . . a lack of suitable mates but the desire is still there?
if youre not content in a celibate lifestyle you are probably not Asexual . . .
but thanks for stopping by!
Comment by Imp Teaser
I, too, have been "forced" into a similar situation. Before I explain why, let me ask a question or few...
If a diabetic friend of yours was complaining that they don't like bars for meeting people, and didn't know of anywhere else to meet like-minded (read: gay) people, and didn't care for coffee, thereby ruling out hanging out in coffee shops, and all the music stores they used to meet people at had been killed off by the net, would you suggest to them that there are all kinds of groups for diabetics to meet other diabetics?
Should paraplegics only date other paraplegics?
Cancer patients?
People with asthma?
Am I some kind of small-minded bigot (like there's any other kind) to be suggesting this in the first place?
How ignorant must I be to segregate society into groups according to affliction?
No more so than those small-minded, ignorant, uneducated people who want to take away MY choice in who to date...
Some of you may have already figured out that I'm HIV positive.
Don't worry- I didn't become this bitter overnight... it's taken twenty years (15 more than I had when I found out in '89) of loneliness and solitude to get here. I might as well be asexual, since anyone I've been interested in has had the same reaction- "Oh, yeah, we can still be friends." only to be never heard from again.
Oh, sure- there's the internet... where you can find someone perfectly suited for you on the other side of the planet!
Of course, when you're given five years (tops, at the time) to live, what's the point of wasting four of those years and 20 grand on an education you'll never have a chance to use?
So, here I am, 20 years later, still no AIDS diagnosis, so I don't qualify for any kind of assistance, still alone, uneducated, and working at Burger King... again.
There's no point in registering at "Plentyoffish.com," since they would, no doubt, consider me "undatable", as does the rest of the world... or at least country.
I'm gay, so straight society rejects me.
I'm positive, so gay society rejects me.
Now you're telling me that because I can never be with anyone and had no choice in my asexuality, that you're rejecting me, too?
Maybe my birth parents were onto something when they
put me up for adoptionrejected me.Thank God my adoptive parents are still around, or I'd have NO reason for being here.
Thanks for letting me vent, and I'm sorry for ruining your party- It's what I do best.
-TJ
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
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feel free to vent away!
have you really been living with HIV for 20 years?
i guess that would give some people hope, but i understand what you are staying about quality of life
i find Gaydar often has openly HIV positive men looking to meet up, but that would only suit you if you were interested in someone else positive . . .
it definately must be reducing your dating pool . . .
good luck!
Comment by Imp Teaser
Then I met someone I thought was worth getting tested for. We never did anything (he turned out to be "confused," read: still pining for his "best friend" ... long story... ), and he was gone by the time I got the results back. So much for trust. Again. (Sorry, Lady H., but trust has been a one-way street in my life. Too freely given, and too seldom returned... I'm glad your "guest" was one of the exceptions that proves the rule.)
My best friend died in "mysterious" circumstances in 2000, and I haven't found anyone not on the net brave enough to return a "Hi." in person, let alone go to a movie or two. "Let's emphasize 'bad touch' and instill a fear of everyone they've never met or can't read a profile of in a whole generation."
I still want a t-shirt that says, "Sure you can see my profile... left or right?"
Which brings me back to what I was planning to say in the first place...
I would have no problem dating/hanging out with someone else in the same situation. I just don't want that to be the fulcrum on which our getting and staying together is balanced. I want to meet someone who wants to hang out/be with me because of who I am, not what I have, who can get to know me enough to get past my status.
Likewise, I want to find out after we pair off that we have that in common. After we decide we have the same sense of humor, and like the same movies, and hate the same celebrities. After everyone else fades from our sight when we're together. After (or maybe at the same time, for this one) we realize the same things make us cry.
Sorry- I didn't mean for this to turn into another "singles ad." There're plenty of sites for that. It's just- I've already gone through the "If-I'm-gonna-die-anyway-I-mi ght-as-well-party-my-
brains-to-mush!!!" phase, and it was sorta fun, if not as much fun as partying for the sake of partying, but I'm still here... relatively coherent... and I want someone, not to "party" with, but to celebrate, not just being together, but being here, or even just simply being.
Maybe I do need to write a book, but who wants to read about someone whining about something he "brought on himself?"
Besides, "Portnoy's Complaint," while dealing with different subject matter, has already been written.
How disappointed will we all be if it turns out that the "shaggy dog story" is simply the truest microcosmic representation of life?
Am I just another "purple gorilla?"
Comment by alt_ed
Alted Opinion
ArtCombat
The Inner Saintdom
I guess, it probably seems like if you get together with another person in the same situation that that's the only reason for it... but in life, we do tend to associate with those in which we have common interests/connections/even conditions... this by no means should devalue the relationships we have with these people.
I guess, if a sufferer of cancer was to date another cancer sufferer they would have a deeper understanding of each other and possibly a stronger relationship due to this understanding.
even being gay-- if you don;t want HIV status to be the fulcrum of your relationships, then best to turn pan-sexual than have your relationship based on nothing more than mutual gayness.
either that, or find someone old who's got little to know prospects of finding anyone else and latch on for dear life hehe (thats what i did and i've not looked back since!)
Chin up pip
alt_ed xox