Morgan Bellwhat is Asexuality?
March 28th 2008 06:37
Link: www.asexuality.org
An “asexual” person is someone who has no desire to have sex.
Asexuality is not a choice like celibacy.
Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, do not find sexual behaviour appealing and are not compelled to form sexual relationships. Asexuals are not driven to have sex with other people, they don't get horny and other people don't “turn them on”. An asexual would feel completely satisfied if they never shared a single sexual experience for the rest of their lives.
Asexual people generally feel completely neutral about sex. Some asexuals may have tried it and found it very disappointing while others find the idea of participating in sexual activity absolutely repulsive. An asexual person will generally be asexual for their entire lives. If you have yet to meet a single person who has aroused you sexually it's fairly safe to say that you have low or no sexual attraction to others. And if you don't enjoy sex or find it disappointing this might be because you don't really want to have sex in the first place. Most asexual people are physically capable of having sex, and may have even had sex in the past in order to please a partner. They may have been more sexual during puberty or some earlier period of their life, but later realised they actually did not experience sexual attraction to others. When a person already lacks the compulsion to have sex, there is no amount of trying sex will create a desire for it in future.
Asexuals are not afraid or ashamed of sexual intimacy, they simply have no desire for it. Being asexual doesn't mean you hate sex, it just means that you're not driven to have it. Asexual people may fantasize about sex but if they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable.
The problem with being asexual is that we live in a society that places a high premium on sexuality, where everyone is assumed to be sexual, the media and advertising portray everyone as being sexual, constantly tempted by sex, and needing sex to be happy. People are just expected to be sexual by default and there is an assumption that everyone must have a sexuality. Many asexuals spend their whole life thinking of themselves as undeveloped people, living in hope for the day when they will become whole and bloom into a valid sexual person. A lack of sexual attraction places a person outside traditional gender roles and identities and they may feel unwelcome in both queer and heteronormative communities. They feel pressured to fake sexual attractions in order to fit in and make their lives easier. When those around you constantly bring up sexual attraction in conversations it seems easier to play along and pretend you have sexual thoughts and feelings, all the while feeling like you are 'in the closet'. If you grew up asexual in a sexual world it might be expected you would hold some resentment about sex but, as an asexual, it's just as likely that you wouldn't think about it at all.
It has been commonly believed that asexuality is a dysfunction or disorder. But if asexuality does not cause the person distress is it fair to view it as a disorder? Some reasons offered to asexuals to explain their lack of sex drive range from past sexual abuse, sexual repression (of homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality), hormonal problems, delayed development, sublimation of sexuality for personal, religious or cultural reasons, or simply not having met the right person. But people who identify as asexual, just as people who identify as homosexual, do not feel the need to search for a cause or a cure.
Many asexuals can see that other people are aesthetically attractive to them or may even find some people sexually attractive but they are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive. Others may not find anyone physically attractive at all. Most sexual people can see that someone is sexually attractive to them from looking at them, this is attraction to appearance and to body types. However, asexuals do not connect desire to bodies but instead feel a need to be close to someone after getting to know them as a friend. The important distinction between sexual and asexual people is that sexual people's attractions tend to include the desire for sex, whereas asexual desires tend toward other kinds of intimacy eg: the physical closeness of embracing or holding hands, talking, the sharing of common interests and activities, working together toward common goals.
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else, they desire love and intimacy and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships, getting crushes and falling in love, they just don’t make the connection between love and sex. Many asexuals have what’s called a 'romance drive'. They need to be intimate with other people but the intimacy they desire isn't sexual. These asexuals generally desire romantic relationships but often do not want these relationships to include sexual activity. They feel that they can express love and feel intimacy without any sexual activity.
Some asexual people are happier on their own and stay single, others are happiest keeping close friendships or having a group of friends. Then there are the asexual people who have a desire enter into 'traditional' romantic couplings to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexuals who cannot tolerate sex will either compromise with their partners and have a certain amount anyway, give their partners permission to seek sex elsewhere, have sexless relationships with those few who are willing, date only other asexuals, or be a non-sexual loving partner of a polyamorous (loving many) person or part of a group marriage or some other non-conventional relationship.
Those asexuals who do want romantic relationships are in a difficult position, as the majority of people are not asexual. Asexuals able to tolerate sex can pair up with sexual people, but even then their lack of attraction or desire can be psychologically distressing to their partner, making a long-term romances complicated. While it may be more challenging to find someone who is willing to enter into a conventional relationship with the knowledge that sex will not be involved, there are still other people with low or no sex drive out there and many people who care more about love and companionship than they do about sex.
Because of their romantic orientation, some asexuals describe themselves as gay, bisexual, or straight asexuals; this is related to the concept of affectional orientation. An asexual person’s feelings of romantic attraction could be directed towards any sex or sexes but when they experience attraction they feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will also identify as gay, bi, or straight.
Asexual people may be impotent, but they are unlikely to feel uncomfortable about this as long as they are otherwise healthy. If you have a difficult time being intimate with people and are unhappy as a result then it is probably a good idea to seek some sort of counseling. People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should seek medical attention. If you really want to have sex but you can't and it bothers you then you are not asexual. Inability to be sexual is technically known as Hyposexual Desire Disorder. If you find that your lack of interest in sex is a distressing problem then you should consult a doctor or therapist.
For more information see www.asexuality.org
GENDER
distinction between male and female according to a persons physical and mental attributes, which has a social, cultural, or psychological dimension, in contrast to biological sex. ie gender role or personal identity
SEX
a persons sex category is reflected by its biological reproductive function rather than its sexuality other behavior
SEXUALITY
the direction of a person’s sexual orientation, often in relation to their own sex or gender. Common terms for describing sexual orientation include bisexual (bi), heterosexual (straight) and homosexual (gay/lesbian).
QUEER
a sexual orientation and/or gender identity or gender expression that does not conform to heteronormative society.
HETERONORMATIVE
the belief that human beings fall into two distinct and complementary categories, male and female; that sexual and marital relations are normal only when between people of different sexes; and that each sex has certain natural roles in life. Thus, physical sex, gender identity, and gender roles should in any given person align to either all-male or all-femal norms, and heterosexuality is considered to be the only normal sexual orientation
HETEROSEXUALITY
sexual and/or romantic attraction between individuals of the opposite sex
HOMOSEXUALITY
sexual and/or romantic attraction between individuals of the same sex
BISEXUALITY
sexual and/or romantic desire for individuals of either gender or of either sex
ASEXUALITY
people who lack sexual attraction and find sexual behaviour unappealing
CELIBACY
choosing not to take a sexual partner for a period of time, often a vow
ABSTINANCE
choosing not to engage in sexual activities as a method of contraception
CHASTITY
choosing not to have sex before marriage
Asexuality is not a choice like celibacy.
Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, do not find sexual behaviour appealing and are not compelled to form sexual relationships. Asexuals are not driven to have sex with other people, they don't get horny and other people don't “turn them on”. An asexual would feel completely satisfied if they never shared a single sexual experience for the rest of their lives.
Asexual people generally feel completely neutral about sex. Some asexuals may have tried it and found it very disappointing while others find the idea of participating in sexual activity absolutely repulsive. An asexual person will generally be asexual for their entire lives. If you have yet to meet a single person who has aroused you sexually it's fairly safe to say that you have low or no sexual attraction to others. And if you don't enjoy sex or find it disappointing this might be because you don't really want to have sex in the first place. Most asexual people are physically capable of having sex, and may have even had sex in the past in order to please a partner. They may have been more sexual during puberty or some earlier period of their life, but later realised they actually did not experience sexual attraction to others. When a person already lacks the compulsion to have sex, there is no amount of trying sex will create a desire for it in future.
Asexuals are not afraid or ashamed of sexual intimacy, they simply have no desire for it. Being asexual doesn't mean you hate sex, it just means that you're not driven to have it. Asexual people may fantasize about sex but if they actually were given the opportunity to be sexual with that person there would be no attraction, or the drive would be so low as to be completely ignorable.
The problem with being asexual is that we live in a society that places a high premium on sexuality, where everyone is assumed to be sexual, the media and advertising portray everyone as being sexual, constantly tempted by sex, and needing sex to be happy. People are just expected to be sexual by default and there is an assumption that everyone must have a sexuality. Many asexuals spend their whole life thinking of themselves as undeveloped people, living in hope for the day when they will become whole and bloom into a valid sexual person. A lack of sexual attraction places a person outside traditional gender roles and identities and they may feel unwelcome in both queer and heteronormative communities. They feel pressured to fake sexual attractions in order to fit in and make their lives easier. When those around you constantly bring up sexual attraction in conversations it seems easier to play along and pretend you have sexual thoughts and feelings, all the while feeling like you are 'in the closet'. If you grew up asexual in a sexual world it might be expected you would hold some resentment about sex but, as an asexual, it's just as likely that you wouldn't think about it at all.
It has been commonly believed that asexuality is a dysfunction or disorder. But if asexuality does not cause the person distress is it fair to view it as a disorder? Some reasons offered to asexuals to explain their lack of sex drive range from past sexual abuse, sexual repression (of homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality), hormonal problems, delayed development, sublimation of sexuality for personal, religious or cultural reasons, or simply not having met the right person. But people who identify as asexual, just as people who identify as homosexual, do not feel the need to search for a cause or a cure.
Many asexuals can see that other people are aesthetically attractive to them or may even find some people sexually attractive but they are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive. Others may not find anyone physically attractive at all. Most sexual people can see that someone is sexually attractive to them from looking at them, this is attraction to appearance and to body types. However, asexuals do not connect desire to bodies but instead feel a need to be close to someone after getting to know them as a friend. The important distinction between sexual and asexual people is that sexual people's attractions tend to include the desire for sex, whereas asexual desires tend toward other kinds of intimacy eg: the physical closeness of embracing or holding hands, talking, the sharing of common interests and activities, working together toward common goals.
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as everybody else, they desire love and intimacy and are just as capable of forming intimate relationships, getting crushes and falling in love, they just don’t make the connection between love and sex. Many asexuals have what’s called a 'romance drive'. They need to be intimate with other people but the intimacy they desire isn't sexual. These asexuals generally desire romantic relationships but often do not want these relationships to include sexual activity. They feel that they can express love and feel intimacy without any sexual activity.
Some asexual people are happier on their own and stay single, others are happiest keeping close friendships or having a group of friends. Then there are the asexual people who have a desire enter into 'traditional' romantic couplings to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexuals who cannot tolerate sex will either compromise with their partners and have a certain amount anyway, give their partners permission to seek sex elsewhere, have sexless relationships with those few who are willing, date only other asexuals, or be a non-sexual loving partner of a polyamorous (loving many) person or part of a group marriage or some other non-conventional relationship.
Those asexuals who do want romantic relationships are in a difficult position, as the majority of people are not asexual. Asexuals able to tolerate sex can pair up with sexual people, but even then their lack of attraction or desire can be psychologically distressing to their partner, making a long-term romances complicated. While it may be more challenging to find someone who is willing to enter into a conventional relationship with the knowledge that sex will not be involved, there are still other people with low or no sex drive out there and many people who care more about love and companionship than they do about sex.
Because of their romantic orientation, some asexuals describe themselves as gay, bisexual, or straight asexuals; this is related to the concept of affectional orientation. An asexual person’s feelings of romantic attraction could be directed towards any sex or sexes but when they experience attraction they feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will also identify as gay, bi, or straight.
Asexual people may be impotent, but they are unlikely to feel uncomfortable about this as long as they are otherwise healthy. If you have a difficult time being intimate with people and are unhappy as a result then it is probably a good idea to seek some sort of counseling. People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy, but in a minority of cases a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex you should seek medical attention. If you really want to have sex but you can't and it bothers you then you are not asexual. Inability to be sexual is technically known as Hyposexual Desire Disorder. If you find that your lack of interest in sex is a distressing problem then you should consult a doctor or therapist.
For more information see www.asexuality.org
GENDER
distinction between male and female according to a persons physical and mental attributes, which has a social, cultural, or psychological dimension, in contrast to biological sex. ie gender role or personal identity
SEX
a persons sex category is reflected by its biological reproductive function rather than its sexuality other behavior
SEXUALITY
the direction of a person’s sexual orientation, often in relation to their own sex or gender. Common terms for describing sexual orientation include bisexual (bi), heterosexual (straight) and homosexual (gay/lesbian).
QUEER
a sexual orientation and/or gender identity or gender expression that does not conform to heteronormative society.
HETERONORMATIVE
the belief that human beings fall into two distinct and complementary categories, male and female; that sexual and marital relations are normal only when between people of different sexes; and that each sex has certain natural roles in life. Thus, physical sex, gender identity, and gender roles should in any given person align to either all-male or all-femal norms, and heterosexuality is considered to be the only normal sexual orientation
HETEROSEXUALITY
sexual and/or romantic attraction between individuals of the opposite sex
HOMOSEXUALITY
sexual and/or romantic attraction between individuals of the same sex
BISEXUALITY
sexual and/or romantic desire for individuals of either gender or of either sex
ASEXUALITY
people who lack sexual attraction and find sexual behaviour unappealing
CELIBACY
choosing not to take a sexual partner for a period of time, often a vow
ABSTINANCE
choosing not to engage in sexual activities as a method of contraception
CHASTITY
choosing not to have sex before marriage
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Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
anyhoo, well, I bat for the team in bright pink.....in fact I'm actually wearing a pink shirt as I type, usually not one of my fave colours, being an atypical gay person; not overly muscular, not shaven headed, not 'connected', not 'networking' and not a frequenter of gay clubs...anymore!
ok so what I actually want to ask of you, is,.....drum roll...if you would add your name to the petition to save Tibet? I have a link on my last post, and I would be grateful if you would support this worthy cause.
Also, if you have any pals who you think might add their name, please pass on the site link to them.
cheers
fog
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
go the pink team!
i will definately check out your blog about tibet . . . seems like a timely issue hey
thanks for the comment
Comment by Nathan 1
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
its a question of physical attraction, if you have never met anyone you felt inclined to have to be sexual with then you are probably asexual or have a very low sex drive.
some people think extenal factors like abuse, or internal factors like brain chemicals play a role in asexuality, but happy asexuals feel they were born that way (much like homosexuals)
some asexuals masturbate, some asexuals have sex, some asexuals are married . . . the thing that makes them asexual is that it is not a desire for the body of another person which motivates their actions
i definately agree with you that some cases of lack of libido may be caused by depression or medical problems and if the lack of libido is distressing to the person they are probably not asexual.
thanks for reading and considering the article
Comment by Nathan 1
It probably comes down to how susceptible you are to popular ideas of beauty as well. If asexuality is a matter of physical attraction then does that mean if you find apples sexually attractive, for god knows what reason, then you are not asexual? More to the point, if you are attracted to animals lets say a horse, how would you be classified then?
I bet natural asexuals must be weary of people thinking they must have gone through some kind of trauma to make them that way or be hiding something. Like you say, some of them are happy as they are and so maybe have sex, but with a very clinical approach, as a means of adapting to society.
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
i think you have hit the nail on the head saying that sex is a marketable concept, i think it is a misconception in our sex-charged western culture and media that
1. appreciation of physical beauty = sexual attraction
2. love = sexual attraction
3. happiness involves a sexual relationship
4. friendships are of less value than sexual relationship
5. a sex-less life is not a full life
i am asexual and most people presume i just havent met the right man/woman, or have suffered abuse, or have a deformed body or low self esteem or bad body image etc . . . it seems saying you are single AND happy is an oxymoron, people definately think you are hiding something!
thanks for the discussion Nathan 1
Comment by Troy McNaughton
God's Advocate
At the end of the day, how could anyone expect you to find a mate when Belinda Younger's on the scene, scambling towards everything and anything with a pulse!!!
Comment by Justin
Here's my question, does it take another asexual person to truly understand what it is to be asexual? And furthermore, can only asexuals be romantically involved with each other or live a life with another truly free of sex?
Comment by Morgan Bell
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
great questions!
i find that people who have experienced periods of low sex drive themselves are more likely to understand asexuals and vice versa
i guess when sexual and asexual people form romantic partnership one or both of them has to compromise a bit . . . asexuals dont necessarily hate sex they just dont seek it and may be content to engage in sex to show affection . . . similarly sexual people may be content to give up or reduce their sexual activity to show respect etc.
i personally believe people can sense whether someone is attracted to them or not (whether it be pheromones or signals via mannerisms, expressions, behaviour etc) and generally a sex-seeking person wont give much priority to their sex-avoiding friends limiting the possibility of any emotional bonding