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Deep Pencil - The blog of Morgan Bell (author of Sniggerless Boundulations)

 

You have entered the random thinking space of Morgan Bell. These are my musings, things about my life written either off the top of my head or in a completely calculated fashion. This is where i flesh out writing ideas and discuss my life and my opinions.

Author bio: Bell’s short story "It Had To Be Done" was first published in the Newcastle Writers Group Anthology 2012, and her short story "Midnight Daisy" was published by YWCA Newcastle in 2013 as part of the She: True Stories project, with live readings on ABC 1233 in February 2014 and Newcastle Writers Festival in April 2014. Bell contributed a short story to the 2014 Hunter Speculative Fiction Anthology called “The Switch” which is based on Germanic folklore. It is due to be published in May 2014 alongside award-winning authors such as Margo Lanagan and Kirstyn McDermott. In March 2014 Bell's short story "Don't Pay The Ferryman", an anti-travel piece, was shortlisted for the Hunter Writer's Centre Travel Writing Prize 2014. Sniggerless Boundulations is Bell's debut collection of fifteen stories, touching on themes fear, time, aging, anxiety, and jealousy. The work is experimental in form and length, including flash fiction and vignettes, and is an examination of the horrors of life.

why are old people so noisy?

April 11th 2008 15:15
the older people get the more choking, spluttering and snorting noises they seem to make . . .

once your over 50 you can no longer sneeze delicately and discretely, you have to blow the paint of the walls with force making a loud obnoxious "a-choo" sound and then groan audibly as your lungs adjust back to regular size . . . the sneeze must get the attention of everyone in the room, hopefully coming in a wave of three or four sneezes just incase anyone missed it . . . the sneeze must scare the cat

yawning also must be unnecessarily loud and drown out the tv . . . yawning should sound like the war cries of a grizzley bear or a walrus . . . excessively loud yawning asserts your importance as it signifies your desire to go to bed early in the evening in a manner that is impossible to ignore . . . everyone needs to know what old people are doing


another great noise for the middle-aged and elderly to master is the intermitted revolting throaty cough . . . best utilised at critical points of dialogue in tv programs or films, or essential information or conclusions from news reports . . . the intermitted revolting throaty cough can be used alternately with the echoing belch as long as has a regular frequency to have the effect of chinese water dripping torture on the people that have to listen to it

a grotesque snort to clear the mucus from your sinuses should also be not just audible but deafeningly loud . . . you can throw this into the mix with the revolting throaty cough, the echoing belch, a phlemy gagging, excessive clearing of the throat whilst attempting to speak, and of course the irritating series of sneezes

it also really helps if on top of all this noise you can also be hard of hearing and always yell "eh?" or "aye?" whenever anyone speaks to you


try to blare the tv at 100 volume, have abc radio on in the same room, and keep at least three or four cuckoo or grandfather clocks that are all set to chime slightly out of sync with each other

anyone in their 20s or 30s thinking of moving back home with your parents after a substantial time of independant youthful living BEWARE: you do so at risk of your own sanity haha

love you mum and dad (you noisy bastards) xx

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30 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by the world of gaye

April 11th 2008 15:35
It's our way of paying young people back !! It's all planned you know, and when your kids are grown and you become a grumpy old women you will want revenge as well. Revenge for the rap crap boom booming out of cars so everybody in the street knows how cool you are...even if it wakes old people and little babies up. It's payback for the mouth full of cheek we had to put up with on a daily basis from obnoxious teens who made our lives miserable, it's payback for the foul temper tantrums in shopping centres when we had to bow our heads in embarrassment and find the quickest exit. There is lot's more but I'll save it for another time shall I?

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 11th 2008 15:54
hi gaye
ahhhh you tricky old people, messing with the minds of the young . . . im sure i will be noisy too one day, and revenge will be mine! haha
i dont remember them being this noisy when i was growing up, or this forgetful, it seems to have all come on in the last ten years
thanks for the comment

Comment by the world of gaye

April 11th 2008 16:08
your welcome, if you need any more wisdom from my 50year old mind just let me know.

Comment by postmoderncritic

April 11th 2008 16:13
Sounds like you've had some pretty cringe-worthy experiences with the oldest generations there!
This made me chuckle...

Comment by Cheryl J

April 11th 2008 16:14
The rattly oldies. I call my neighbour Tuberculosis Guy. Two to three times a day he stands in front if his kitchen sink (you can see it plainly from outside) and rumbles and hawks and gags then coughs up revolting stuff and spits it into the sink - eeeuurrgg!!! This goes on for approximately 20 minutes each time. I half expect to trip over a lonely forsaken lung that he's coughed up on the stairs each day. Can I just say CREEPY MUCH!!

They often smell like either napthalene or violets too

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 11th 2008 16:42
hi epiphanie
look i may have exaggerated SLIGHTLY haha but as long as it got a chuckle out of someone it was worth it

hi cheryl,
i misread that as RATTY oldies and nodded my head vigorously . . . poor old rattly TB guy . . . some people are just walking public health warnings against smoking and asbestos hey! haha

i like how quick all the girls are to find my whingy posts lol . . . thanks for the comments ladies

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 17:42
How can offspring over in the 20- 30 range consider moving back home, when the trend is to not move out? Getting them off of the couch and their faces out of the fridge is getting tougher every year Morgan.

And offensive noises can also be defined as music played at 1 decibel below the insane range; that's why the noise from the thunder mug housing is oft times deliberate and vengeful....

Ah, so I've heard anyway...

Raven

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 11th 2008 18:12
haha hi Raven,

i often wonder if people who continue to live with their parents into their adulthood, never leaving the nest, would notice them gradually getting "old people" traits if they saw it all on a day to day basis?

for the last 8-9 years ive had a weekly long-distance phone call type relationship with my parents and i have absolutely no idea at exactly what point they became so loud!

obviously i cant complain to them as that would seem ungrateful while im living with them for awhile, but i think orble will be the last place they will look to spy on me

Comment by Ann 2

April 11th 2008 18:29
haha, this made me think of my father. He has this annoying habit where when he wakes up, everyone in the house has to know that he's awake by sneezing like an elephant. It's so annoying, specially for someone like me who needs a great sleep to be in a good mood.

Comment by tlcorbin

April 11th 2008 20:55
No worries Morgan, I won't suggest that they check on your blogging habits. I'm so sensitive that if I snore, I wake myself up . . . but, oddly, I have slept soundly for months, hahahahaha

I enjoyed the post, very funny..

Raven

Comment by katyzzz

April 11th 2008 22:01
Minds of the young, where are they?

Move back in with Mum, who would want you?

Ageism is against the law, you have demonstrated it very well here, you nasty little mindless creep, all in the name of humour? oh, that is so funny, but you are witless, just have a look in the mirror and I bet the men you react with are all time losers. Good for you, you're doing well, with a little luck you'll not make it past 50. Do the world a favour.

Comment by Lara M

April 12th 2008 01:22
*Humorous* read <LOL>. It is true what u say -- I read a health article the other day, that as one ages, one emits more noise and gas...from both ends

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 12th 2008 03:50
hi ann 2,
dads are definately the loudest! and the loud sneeze is the worst! thanks for stopping by and sharing a laugh!

raven,
oh snoring! ive become a terrible snorer as ive gotten older . . . it wont be long before that tv volume is creeping up! haha . . . im having as much fun with your comments as your having with my post!

katyzzz,
geez lighten up, ageism is about discrimination with regards to equal opportunity in the workplace, im hardly interviewing candidates for the role of parental television buddies, stop being so angry and humourless

hi lara M,
haha noise and gas from both ends ahhh i know what you mean! thanks for the comment, im glad you got a giggle

Comment by RubySoho

April 12th 2008 04:10
I think it's quite simple Morgan- to show themselves and others they are still alive. In a society which is obsessed with youth and renders those over 40 virtually invisible, older people have to go to drastic measures to ensure the rest of the world notices that they are still around.


Comment by the world of gaye

April 12th 2008 04:18
Hey Morgan,
I do have a good sense of humour and realise you mean no harm to us oldies, so I have done a payback blog for all us oldies, no offence intended of course.
gaye

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 12th 2008 07:13
CLICKHERE for Gaye's "payback" blog if you wanna see how young people can be noisier than old people . . . its a very funny read!

Gaye,
i loved your payback blog, i hope everyone has a read

Ruby,
i once saw a comedian say that once people become parents they get an inflated sense of confidence and dont care what other people think, the comedian puffed out his chest and said "i dont need your approval, i can make my own people!" haha they are just so comfortable making their own rules in their own homes and really loud yawning to let us know that theyre alive is a priviledge theyve worked hard for!

Comment by Mike Crowl

April 12th 2008 08:11
How can you tell that old people are noisy? Aren't all young people deaf from all the loud music they listen to?

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 12th 2008 09:34
haha hi mike
thanks for the comment!
maybe my parents went to a few too many AC/DC concerts in their youth and now have to communicate through a weird system of yawns, sneezes and coughing? lol . . . maybe all kids turn their music up loud to drown out their parents? it could all be a vicious cycle! hmmm i could be on to something . . .

Comment by Tracy

April 12th 2008 13:57
He he, this post and the comments gave me a good chuckle.

Lara, is it true what you said:

I read a health article the other day, that as one ages, one emits more noise and gas...from both ends


Gosh!!

Ann 2, your dad sounds like mine! I love the expression, sneezing like an elephant! Mine does that too, one time I nearly fell off my chair!

But I wouldn't have him or my mum any other way, they're fantastic

Comment by ChrisC

April 13th 2008 14:06
Hi Morgan,
I tried to read this blog, I really did, but I couldn't get past one thing...
You're happy to throw the dots around when it comes to using an ellipsis...you throw them around willy nilly, no problems.
But what happened to the full stops? What did they ever do to get evicted from your blog?!!

Comment by Morgan Bell

April 13th 2008 14:22
hi ChrisC
yes im redefining grammar and punctuation with every post . . . it comes from writing off the top of your head . . . a pause in the stream of consciousness where full stops dare not tread lol . . . thanks for trying, its the thoughts that counts!

Comment by Lilla

April 29th 2008 06:54
*LOOOOOL* Morgan,

try to blare the tv at 100 volume, have abc radio on in the same room, and keep at least three or four cuckoo or grandfather clocks that are all set to chime slightly out of sync with each other

*LM (Ears) O" that is so my Dad's place... but with me not far off the great half-century... I'd better be quiet ... ... literally.

I don;t have anyone of these problems - yet!? *laughs* ... perhaps it's because I don;t watch TV? *Guffaw*

Great post, and the sub-textual wars are an interesting thread to follow.. perhaps you should have mentioned flatulence?

*chortle*


Comment by Morgan Bell

April 29th 2008 09:39
hey Lilla,
shes laughing, her ear are falling off, theres a guffaw, theres a chortle . . . i think this equals success!
clad youre having fun!
its entirely possible sometimes i vent in blogs because i dont feel like i am in a position to do so in real life . . . thanks for following the sub-text (and the trail of links i leave everywhere i go) haha

oh no Tracy,
i think i somehow missed your comment last time i responded, youre like a little mouse sneaking in!
i think sneezing like an elephant is something all dads are taught at secret dad-school!

thanks for the comments ladies!

Comment by Cheryl J

May 19th 2008 14:06
It should be interesting to see if my mocking of the aged gets any death threats CLICKY HERE although I'm taking the piss out of myself too!

Comment by Morgan Bell

May 19th 2008 14:44
no Cheryl even the aged cannot mock the aged!
how very dare you!
thanks for the link, its a fun read!

Comment by annon

October 14th 2009 01:27
OMG you just made my day, and it has been a horrible one... I seriously just laughed until I cried... thank you


Comment by annon

October 14th 2009 01:28
OMG you just made my day, and it has been a horrible one... I seriously just laughed until I cried... thank you


Comment by annon

October 14th 2009 01:28
OMG you just made my day, and it has been a horrible one... I seriously just laughed until I cried... thank you


Comment by Anonymous

December 14th 2009 04:06
My dad is doing the LOUD YAWNING right now and it's been going on for a good 20 minutes and I'm about ready to strangle him!!!!

Comment by Anonymous

October 7th 2011 19:23
@the word of gaye

young people dont play loud bass songs to be cool, we young people do it because we love our music more than you old farts! and we like having fun too! not being a uptight asshole!

you can say its for payback, although who really made your life miserable? the young folks huh? get a grip

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