Morgan Bellwhy are old people so noisy?
April 11th 2008 15:15
the older people get the more choking, spluttering and snorting noises they seem to make . . .
once your over 50 you can no longer sneeze delicately and discretely, you have to blow the paint of the walls with force making a loud obnoxious "a-choo" sound and then groan audibly as your lungs adjust back to regular size . . . the sneeze must get the attention of everyone in the room, hopefully coming in a wave of three or four sneezes just incase anyone missed it . . . the sneeze must scare the cat
yawning also must be unnecessarily loud and drown out the tv . . . yawning should sound like the war cries of a grizzley bear or a walrus . . . excessively loud yawning asserts your importance as it signifies your desire to go to bed early in the evening in a manner that is impossible to ignore . . . everyone needs to know what old people are doing
another great noise for the middle-aged and elderly to master is the intermitted revolting throaty cough . . . best utilised at critical points of dialogue in tv programs or films, or essential information or conclusions from news reports . . . the intermitted revolting throaty cough can be used alternately with the echoing belch as long as has a regular frequency to have the effect of chinese water dripping torture on the people that have to listen to it
a grotesque snort to clear the mucus from your sinuses should also be not just audible but deafeningly loud . . . you can throw this into the mix with the revolting throaty cough, the echoing belch, a phlemy gagging, excessive clearing of the throat whilst attempting to speak, and of course the irritating series of sneezes
it also really helps if on top of all this noise you can also be hard of hearing and always yell "eh?" or "aye?" whenever anyone speaks to you
try to blare the tv at 100 volume, have abc radio on in the same room, and keep at least three or four cuckoo or grandfather clocks that are all set to chime slightly out of sync with each other
anyone in their 20s or 30s thinking of moving back home with your parents after a substantial time of independant youthful living BEWARE: you do so at risk of your own sanity haha
love you mum and dad (you noisy bastards) xx
once your over 50 you can no longer sneeze delicately and discretely, you have to blow the paint of the walls with force making a loud obnoxious "a-choo" sound and then groan audibly as your lungs adjust back to regular size . . . the sneeze must get the attention of everyone in the room, hopefully coming in a wave of three or four sneezes just incase anyone missed it . . . the sneeze must scare the cat
yawning also must be unnecessarily loud and drown out the tv . . . yawning should sound like the war cries of a grizzley bear or a walrus . . . excessively loud yawning asserts your importance as it signifies your desire to go to bed early in the evening in a manner that is impossible to ignore . . . everyone needs to know what old people are doing
another great noise for the middle-aged and elderly to master is the intermitted revolting throaty cough . . . best utilised at critical points of dialogue in tv programs or films, or essential information or conclusions from news reports . . . the intermitted revolting throaty cough can be used alternately with the echoing belch as long as has a regular frequency to have the effect of chinese water dripping torture on the people that have to listen to it
a grotesque snort to clear the mucus from your sinuses should also be not just audible but deafeningly loud . . . you can throw this into the mix with the revolting throaty cough, the echoing belch, a phlemy gagging, excessive clearing of the throat whilst attempting to speak, and of course the irritating series of sneezes
it also really helps if on top of all this noise you can also be hard of hearing and always yell "eh?" or "aye?" whenever anyone speaks to you
try to blare the tv at 100 volume, have abc radio on in the same room, and keep at least three or four cuckoo or grandfather clocks that are all set to chime slightly out of sync with each other
anyone in their 20s or 30s thinking of moving back home with your parents after a substantial time of independant youthful living BEWARE: you do so at risk of your own sanity haha
love you mum and dad (you noisy bastards) xx
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Comment by the world of gaye
batty
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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ahhhh you tricky old people, messing with the minds of the young . . . im sure i will be noisy too one day, and revenge will be mine! haha
i dont remember them being this noisy when i was growing up, or this forgetful, it seems to have all come on in the last ten years
thanks for the comment
Comment by the world of gaye
batty
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Comment by postmoderncritic
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This made me chuckle...
Comment by Cheryl J
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They often smell like either napthalene or violets too
Comment by Morgan Bell
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look i may have exaggerated SLIGHTLY haha but as long as it got a chuckle out of someone it was worth it
hi cheryl,
i misread that as RATTY oldies and nodded my head vigorously . . . poor old rattly TB guy . . . some people are just walking public health warnings against smoking and asbestos hey! haha
i like how quick all the girls are to find my whingy posts lol . . . thanks for the comments ladies
Comment by tlcorbin
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And offensive noises can also be defined as music played at 1 decibel below the insane range; that's why the noise from the thunder mug housing is oft times deliberate and vengeful....
Ah, so I've heard anyway...
Raven
Comment by Morgan Bell
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i often wonder if people who continue to live with their parents into their adulthood, never leaving the nest, would notice them gradually getting "old people" traits if they saw it all on a day to day basis?
for the last 8-9 years ive had a weekly long-distance phone call type relationship with my parents and i have absolutely no idea at exactly what point they became so loud!
obviously i cant complain to them as that would seem ungrateful while im living with them for awhile, but i think orble will be the last place they will look to spy on me
Comment by Ann 2
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Comment by tlcorbin
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I enjoyed the post, very funny..
Raven
Comment by katyzzz
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Move back in with Mum, who would want you?
Ageism is against the law, you have demonstrated it very well here, you nasty little mindless creep, all in the name of humour? oh, that is so funny, but you are witless, just have a look in the mirror and I bet the men you react with are all time losers. Good for you, you're doing well, with a little luck you'll not make it past 50. Do the world a favour.
Comment by Lara M
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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dads are definately the loudest! and the loud sneeze is the worst! thanks for stopping by and sharing a laugh!
raven,
oh snoring! ive become a terrible snorer as ive gotten older . . . it wont be long before that tv volume is creeping up! haha . . . im having as much fun with your comments as your having with my post!
katyzzz,
geez lighten up, ageism is about discrimination with regards to equal opportunity in the workplace, im hardly interviewing candidates for the role of parental television buddies, stop being so angry and humourless
hi lara M,
haha noise and gas from both ends ahhh i know what you mean! thanks for the comment, im glad you got a giggle
Comment by RubySoho
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Comment by the world of gaye
batty
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I do have a good sense of humour and realise you mean no harm to us oldies, so I have done a payback blog for all us oldies, no offence intended of course.
gaye
Comment by Morgan Bell
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Gaye,
i loved your payback blog, i hope everyone has a read
Ruby,
i once saw a comedian say that once people become parents they get an inflated sense of confidence and dont care what other people think, the comedian puffed out his chest and said "i dont need your approval, i can make my own people!" haha they are just so comfortable making their own rules in their own homes and really loud yawning to let us know that theyre alive is a priviledge theyve worked hard for!
Comment by Mike Crowl
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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thanks for the comment!
maybe my parents went to a few too many AC/DC concerts in their youth and now have to communicate through a weird system of yawns, sneezes and coughing? lol . . . maybe all kids turn their music up loud to drown out their parents? it could all be a vicious cycle! hmmm i could be on to something . . .
Comment by Tracy
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Lara, is it true what you said:
I read a health article the other day, that as one ages, one emits more noise and gas...from both ends
Gosh!!
Ann 2, your dad sounds like mine! I love the expression, sneezing like an elephant! Mine does that too, one time I nearly fell off my chair!
But I wouldn't have him or my mum any other way, they're fantastic
Comment by ChrisC
The Dissector
I tried to read this blog, I really did, but I couldn't get past one thing...
You're happy to throw the dots around when it comes to using an ellipsis...you throw them around willy nilly, no problems.
But what happened to the full stops? What did they ever do to get evicted from your blog?!!
Comment by Morgan Bell
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yes im redefining grammar and punctuation with every post . . . it comes from writing off the top of your head . . . a pause in the stream of consciousness where full stops dare not tread lol . . . thanks for trying, its the thoughts that counts!
Comment by Lilla
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*LM (Ears) O" that is so my Dad's place... but with me not far off the great half-century... I'd better be quiet ... ... literally.
I don;t have anyone of these problems - yet!? *laughs* ... perhaps it's because I don;t watch TV? *Guffaw*
Great post, and the sub-textual wars are an interesting thread to follow.. perhaps you should have mentioned flatulence?
*chortle*
Comment by Morgan Bell
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shes laughing, her ear are falling off, theres a guffaw, theres a chortle . . . i think this equals success!
clad youre having fun!
its entirely possible sometimes i vent in blogs because i dont feel like i am in a position to do so in real life . . . thanks for following the sub-text (and the trail of links i leave everywhere i go) haha
oh no Tracy,
i think i somehow missed your comment last time i responded, youre like a little mouse sneaking in!
i think sneezing like an elephant is something all dads are taught at secret dad-school!
thanks for the comments ladies!
Comment by Cheryl J
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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how very dare you!
thanks for the link, its a fun read!