Morgan BellSilence. You can't say that.
June 3rd 2009 23:51
In an unprecedented move, today The Vatican has announced nuns will no longer be permitted to study for diplomas of midwifery or perform the tasks of a midwife. The Pope received a message from God on Facebook instructing all Catholics to no longer speak on topics they have no personal experience in.
Only women who have had children can speak about childbirth. Nuns, the childless variety, have been disqualified from discussing, advising, or explaining any aspect of human reproduction.
Priests will no longer have authority to forgive any sins which they have not personally committed. Priests who entered the seminary as single virgins will be forbidden from offering any marriage or relationship counseling.
All Catholic men are asked to no longer voice any opinion on the topic of abortion. Political and moral debates over the sanctity and legality of abortion will now be the exclusive domain of women who have experienced abortion first hand.
"There are issues around nuns going wherever they will, which must be addressed too." said The Pope, worried about spreading his flock too thin "One firm rule laid down by God was that we all work within the genre of our own job title and not cover other worker's areas."
Sister Wendy Beckett learned through a TwitterBerry tweet that she was so longer allowed to discuss the human form of men in the arts, the message read "Openness about being a consecrated virgin is contradictory with openly appreciating the males of our species." She closed her classical sculpture book immediately.
The news has shocked prospective theology students and free speech proponents "I do think that there is a point to be made for criticising people when they make intolerant views." said one frumpy lass, scratching her head, jealous of those who had succeeded in understanding the real issue..
"When a person airs their views and are criticised for it, they might start to think why people think those views are wrong" she proclaimed before turning on herself to impress a recently demoted messenger of God, "Everybody has faults. We don't need to go around stating them all the time. What purpose does that serve? It is pointless." she added, feeling confused and tender from all the fence-sitting.
The Pope has also put on hold plans to start a Catholic blogging site, "God has made it pretty clear we are not to write posts with second-hand sources. We can only quote ourselves. We can not post general information, nor can we explain how things work, and we are never ever to speculate why things are. Most importantly we should never speak on issues that we have not previously spoken on. It's quite simple really".
Catholic bloggers all over the world have begun removing posts about homosexuals, transsexuals, Atheism, Feminism, Communism, contraception, rival religions, politicians they have never met, and foreign locations they have never traveled to (including the former USSR). The Pope, hoping to dispel any rumours that he is a hypocrite, has vowed to never talk about condoms ever again.
Only women who have had children can speak about childbirth. Nuns, the childless variety, have been disqualified from discussing, advising, or explaining any aspect of human reproduction.
Priests will no longer have authority to forgive any sins which they have not personally committed. Priests who entered the seminary as single virgins will be forbidden from offering any marriage or relationship counseling.
All Catholic men are asked to no longer voice any opinion on the topic of abortion. Political and moral debates over the sanctity and legality of abortion will now be the exclusive domain of women who have experienced abortion first hand.
"There are issues around nuns going wherever they will, which must be addressed too." said The Pope, worried about spreading his flock too thin "One firm rule laid down by God was that we all work within the genre of our own job title and not cover other worker's areas."
Sister Wendy Beckett learned through a TwitterBerry tweet that she was so longer allowed to discuss the human form of men in the arts, the message read "Openness about being a consecrated virgin is contradictory with openly appreciating the males of our species." She closed her classical sculpture book immediately.
The news has shocked prospective theology students and free speech proponents "I do think that there is a point to be made for criticising people when they make intolerant views." said one frumpy lass, scratching her head, jealous of those who had succeeded in understanding the real issue..
"When a person airs their views and are criticised for it, they might start to think why people think those views are wrong" she proclaimed before turning on herself to impress a recently demoted messenger of God, "Everybody has faults. We don't need to go around stating them all the time. What purpose does that serve? It is pointless." she added, feeling confused and tender from all the fence-sitting.
The Pope has also put on hold plans to start a Catholic blogging site, "God has made it pretty clear we are not to write posts with second-hand sources. We can only quote ourselves. We can not post general information, nor can we explain how things work, and we are never ever to speculate why things are. Most importantly we should never speak on issues that we have not previously spoken on. It's quite simple really".
Catholic bloggers all over the world have begun removing posts about homosexuals, transsexuals, Atheism, Feminism, Communism, contraception, rival religions, politicians they have never met, and foreign locations they have never traveled to (including the former USSR). The Pope, hoping to dispel any rumours that he is a hypocrite, has vowed to never talk about condoms ever again.
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Comment by Jason King
Sydney Table
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Total Randomness
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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it is, shall we say, a little tongue in cheek!
i dont think God has mastered the social networking tools just yet
hi Norm,
can you tell ive been reading a bit too much Consumption Malfunction?
what is the temperature in hell today Normy Smormy?
Comment by Norm
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
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That's why I like public transport.
Comment by Janet Collins
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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i should catch the bus more often
hi Janet,
strange how even the absurd can seem slightly plausible under some conditions . . .
you gotta love a bit of satire in the morning
Comment by Mau-Medellin
Mau-Medellin
I just recently saw a documentary on the SBS; Transsexuals in Iran. Iran has the highest rate of sex-change operations, after Thailand, with the government providing a grant for 50% of the costs.
Mau-Medellin
Comment by Morgan Bell
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i saw the same doco, i was really surprised at what is going on over there, the social and religious pressuring of young gay men into gender realignment surgery was very sad
i was going to do a post on it, but God told me not to talk about "sex" any more, transsexual has the word "sex" in it so apparently its on the naughty list
thanks for your comment
Comment by Anonymous
so that means catholics can never speak on God, the afterlife or anything of that nature since they have no personal experience with those things (i'm sure no one alive now has died at least not in the form they are in now, maybe there is reincarnation but you don't remember those such things,thus no personal experience!!)
Comment by Someone
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Let's Get Down To Business
Au contraire, ma cherie
Comment by RubySoho
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Comment by Kristin Wolgemuth
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I wish God did use Facebook. I've got some questions!
Comment by Morgan Bell
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good point! no talking about god or the afterlife either!
hi Someone,
are you god? or is he/she on your friends list?
hi Ruby,
yes come back when you are an AUTHORITY on humour . . . come back when you have "Satire" in your blog banner
hi Kristen,
oh im glad you enjoyed having your leg pulled!
i think it was the whole vowing against hypocrisy thing that was the real give-away that it was fiction
Comment by Someone
Evil Pleasures
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Let's Get Down To Business
Comment by Morgan Bell
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oh your link was broken . . . but i managed to mend it
CLICKHERE for God's Facebook Wall
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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i dont think you have anything to worry about quite yet . . . maybe when Ewan McGregor is Pope but not today
Comment by sam sall
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Comment by Morgan Bell
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hey im just sitting around being omnipotent and creating light!
like the Seinfeld soup nazi would say: if you speak about something you have not experienced, no blog for you!
thanks for your comment
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I like it
Love the picture
Cheers
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Tremendous post, Morgan! And yes, I am an authority on tremendousness (and yet not at all sure whether that is actually a word, how strange) ('strange' I can handle, I know 'strange' inside and out).
Mich
Comment by Mau-Medellin
Mau-Medellin
Comment by Morgan Bell
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if it was something that was decided by popular vote im sure Ewan would be in there in a heartbeat!
hi Gaye,
this post is just satirical, but in essence i agree with you about the hypocrisy of law-makers, and its the kind of hypocrisy which is rife in the blogging world too, with some sanctimonious bloggers trying to dictate with topics other bloggers can have an opinion on or post on . . . i take it theyve never heard to expression about throwing stones in glass houses
hi Peter,
thanks for your comment
hi Michaelie,
long time no see!
oh please dont tell me im responsible for dragging you back here haha . . . i thought you must have been grazing in less bigoted pastures for your blogging fill
thanks for the compliments, ill be sure to check out your new posts